Have you ever felt like you were hit in the head with a frying pan?
You walk around the corner into the kitchen and BAM! Nailed right on the nose. And while you are buckled over in pain you are kicked down to your knees and then hit again with the frying pain.
Now you are looking up at the ceiling, a bit dizzy, and understandably upset. Turns out the person dishing out the pain (and the pan) is someone you know, not a random stranger (which I guess is a good thing considering they are in your kitchen). This makes you even more upset.
What do you do?
This is a metaphor, obviously, but October has been a month of being hit over the head with a frying pan for me.
What did I do? Well. I did get upset, very upset, but I did my best to maintain my composure as much as possible. My instinct was to hit back, but that type of response never turns out very well in my experience.
I may have raised my voice but I never said anything I would regret later. In fact, everything I said is something I would say again.
To be a bit more transparent here (I'm tired of speaking metaphorically) my personal life is something of a mess at the moment. Personal as in the relationship with my wife.
I shouldn’t even write this here, but I’m tired of acting like everything is "fine" both in the real world and online.
I think part of living a more simple life is being honest; honest with others and honest with ourselves. I’ve been going for the image of the perfect family, perfect relationship with my wife, perfect dad to my son, and so on, but none of that is the case. She left me before, for good reason, and I never go to bed feeling like I did a good job as a dad that day.
Two weeks ago on Wednesday she informed me that she was leaving (reference the frying pan above). I know I’m not a perfect husband or dad but this essentially came out of left field...I am still unsure of what is happening, to be honest. For the first time in our marriage I am afraid of what the future holds.
I was able to talk her out of it. But still, her saying it, and the subsequent conversation, sent me reeling. I'm still in a bit of a tailspin at the thought of it, because I know that she could decide at any moment to leave and talking her out of it a second time is probably unlikely.
A few days later my son had a blow up at me saying things I know he didn't mean but they were said and they cut deep. More reeling, more frying pan.
Then, to add insult to injury...
...I felt like our house was closing in on me...
He said the things he said as they were getting ready to leave for an appointment. They leave, door shuts, house is silent.
But I still hear the yelling. So once they left I put my computer in my bag and I left, too.
I didn't have to, but I felt the urge to drive and to be in a different environment for a few hours. I had focus work to do so I went to the office, which is technically closed but I’m technically allowed in. So I go. Work for a few hours and then leave.
On my way home I was pulled over. Issued a fine for an expired registration and a warning for past due inspection. More frying pan hits. My fault on these, no excuses. Just pay the fines, renew the registration, get the inspection done, and move on. Which I did, but still, really!?
Sometimes you just can’t make this stuff up.
I’m not writing and sharing this for sympathy. All of this is at the forefront of my mind, the relationship items I am living through, and my need to write, I want to write, but it is hard to move past these items to write something less...upsetting…and so this is what I’m writing about.
That’s life, right?
And that's the point to be made here. That's life, this is life. Good things are going to happen, and so will bad things. Some things will be minor, like a glorious hot cup of coffee on a cold morning. Others major, like relationship issues that leave the feeling of an empty pit in your stomach.
So what does one do with the bad? Continue living for starters, but also take a look at yourself. What can you do to create a positive change in an otherwise negative situation? What can I do with my family to improve each relationship?
Ultimately, it is only ourselves that we can have the most influence and change upon. We can try to change the behavior of others, but I believe it is ultimately a poor use of time and energy. Live the change you want to see, be the change.
More on all of this to follow....but I hope for the time being there is something here that is of value to you.
I hope that you have a great weekend and month ahead.
Cheers,
Aaron
The above is deeply personal and is the result of many years of personal history and life. We'll get into these details later as I am still in the midst of processing them. Please be kind.
Related: this podcast episode.